7 Highly Effective Workplace Communication Habits: part 5

by Audrey Glenn

Habit #5:  To win people over first seek to understand them, then seek their understanding.

Who have you met recently, had a conversation with, that you’d really like to talk to again? I’m generally not a gambling woman, but I would wager that you feel they really understood where you were coming from. Seems some people are gifted that way. Or, they have learned to zoom in on what people need and want (i.e. to build sales or networking skills). Some people listen our of necessity (i.e. client service professionals). No need to ponder which pond you swim in. No matter where you are now in your ability to engage people, honing your listening skills can take you to the next level of  interpersonal Greatness.

But how do you learn to be the person that people enjoy talking to? It’s about what I call Intentional Listening. That is, listening for the sole purpose of understanding – understanding what people need, what they want, or just to learn about people and their experiences. Listening is a soft skill that doesn’t get much emphasis outside of sales and customer service circles, but it is critical to our success and even our well-being. If you learn to listen well, you learn a lot more and go farther in life than you ever imagined.

So here’s how to hone those listening skills:

1. Remember that the end goal for listening  should be support or collaboration. If you listen to someone simply for the purpose of defeating or humiliating, then you’ve already lost. Sometimes, unfortunately, manipulation will gain a person what they want for the time being. But what they lose over the long run is self-respect and the respect of others; and often they lose support of others who could be valuable. When listening to others, it is important to remember that the point is to build a mutual understanding and thus better relationship. In the workplace, this means enhanced productivity, efficiency, knowledge-sharing and work environment. Companies who have the most celebrated work cultures have implemented listening at the core of their communication practices.

2. Be genuinely intent on hearing the other person. That means prepare to listen, participate in listening, and attempt to meet your listening goals for the conversation. First, focus on the other person – tune out outside distractions, preconceived notions, and your judgmental instinct. (That’s right, we all do it at some time or another.) But judging only blocks our ability to learn new things and break old habits. It is based in fear and in a deeply-rooted need to categorize and feel “safe”. But when seeking to understand someone, judging stops us short of getting to deeper levels of understanding.  So listen with an open mind, and even help the person express themselves more…

3. Ask open-ended, creative questions. One way to get people to express what they really feel and mean is to prompt them with thought-provoking questions. “Why do you think you feel that way?” “What makes you think that was the reason?” “How do you think you should address that next time?”

Sometimes you can help them understand themselves, or the situation, even better. Asking good questions also confirms that you are genuinely interested in learning their perspective.

4. Validate the other person. Express that you have heard what they have to say, by repeating and asking for confirmation. Nonverbal clues can be effective if they are genuine and not forced. But your verbal response must be genuine. That means that you listen to gain clarity, then repeat in your own words to show that you achieved clarity. Your goal is to make the other person know that you hear and understand their point of view; from there they can be open to understanding yours.

Now it’s your turn…

After you have established that you hear and understand their point of view, you have a much better opportunity to get acceptance and support for your needs. Be sure that your nonverbal (body) language and your words convey your interest in mutual benefit. Address their concerns with your own concerns and solutions, with the underlying message that you want to come to a mutually satisfactory solution.

The win-win.

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